What We Leave in Our Wake

A year or so ago, I read a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud, entitled “Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality”. While it is a book primarily written for a business audience, it is a great resource for anyone seeking to enhance their interpersonal skills through character development.

In the book, the author uses the movements of a ship at sea to help us visualize the ramifications of our actions. You see, no ship can move forward without leaving a wake. And the wake tells you a lot about the direction of the ship. If the wake is steady and straight and smooth, you can assume that the ship is progressing in a straight line and is on its plotted course. But a ship that leaves a turbulent and unpredictable wake is most likely a ship that has lost its way and is making hasty, poorly thought out, and potentially dangerous moves. Anything or anyone that is following close behind may find themselves overtaken, swamped, or drowned. According to Dr. Cloud, “The wake doesn’t lie and it doesn’t care about excuses. It is what it is.” Watch the wake and you’ll see your course reflected. So the question becomes, what does our wake look like?

If we were to take a soul-searching look at what we are leaving in our wake each day, as we move through our work and personal relationships, what would we find?

• Would others say that our movement through their lives has left them better off, or have they suffered loss for having been associated with us?
  
• Has our wake been steady and true, or have we left others reeling, confused and floundering?

• Do others feel uplifted and encouraged by us, or do they feel disappointed and let down? 
• Are we inspiring others to “shoot for the moon” or to hide in a bunker?

• Do people seek out our company or do they try to avoid us?

Unfortunately, it is relatively easy to deceive ourselves about the nature of our influence. It is almost impossible, however, to deceive those caught up in our disruptive wake. If people tend to tell us that we are difficult, disruptive, insensitive, negative, untrustworthy, disappointing, hurtful and critical, then we probably are. If people tend to avoid us altogether, they are telling us the same thing through their behavior. And if you just had the thought “Well, they just don’t get me…” then you are proving my point.

Knowing where we are headed in life has great value, but not to the exclusion of what we are leaving in our wake along the way. The end very seldom justifies the means. And, it is worth remembering that at some point each of us will cease to have a future and will only have a legacy (and I’m not talking about those things that are bequeathed in our wills).

Every day, we each “part the waters” and forge ahead, and the laws of physics say that we cannot help but leave a wake. So the question is not if we are impacting those close to us, but how we are impacting those close to us.

I pose this question to each of you today: If we spent a little more time looking back over the stern of the ship rather than acting like “the king of the world” (to quote Leonardo di Caprio in Titanic) up at the bow, would those around us be better off for our having done so? I think they would. Because I think most of us want to be better. We want to be a positive influence on those around us. But we can’t correct what we can’t see.

Take some time today and check your wake.

Something for Nothing

What would our lives be like if we only got what we deserved? 

I began to ponder this question after a recent visit to Starbucks. A few days ago, I swung into the Starbucks drive-through lane to get a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappucino (these are amazingly delicious).  I placed my order and pulled around to the pick- up window. Standing there was one of the most frazzled women I have seen in quite some time.  Her headset sat weirdly positioned atop something that looked like a giant hair-alarm going off. Her apron was spotted with milk and dark spots that I am hoping were coffee grounds. Her eyes were a bit glazed over and appeared to be going in two different directions at once. I was taken aback (and a bit frightened). 

It appeared that she was attempting to take orders at both the drive-up window and at the indoor counter, collect payment, make the coffee herself, and then rush back to the counter or drive-up window to serve it to the customer; all pretty much single-handed. I think she may have been having a nervous breakdown. 

She distractedly told me that my coffee would be ready “in just a second”. So I waited. And waited. The line of cars began to stretch out behind me. Eventually, she reappeared at the window and apologetically told me that only she and one other employee were working – everyone else had gone to lunch. She apologized for the delay and disappeared back around the corner. So, I waited some more. Finally, she returned with a cup of coffee and, apologizing again, handed it out through the window. I thanked her and attempted to hand her a tip.

You would’ve thought that I’d attempted to hand her a cobra. 

She jerked her hand back, and yelped “Oh no! I didn’t earn that! Geez, you’ve been out here, like, forever!” 

I told her to take it anyway and to consider it a "gift". She looked stunned. Then grateful. Then a little bit more sane.

Now, don’t misunderstand: it wasn’t a huge tip. It was a dollar. And I was disappointed in the service. But times are tough and money is hard to come by, and minimum wage jobs alone won’t pay the rent. Tips matter. I suspect she was doing the best she could, given the circumstances. But as I drove away, I couldn’t get her words and reaction out of my head: “I didn’t earn that…”

I am extraordinarily grateful for the fact that I don’t get only what I deserve. Actually, I am grateful for more than that. I am grateful that I don’t always get what I deserve.

Sometimes, I act badly, but people choose to be nice to me anyway. Sometimes I deserve to be punished or scolded, but instead I am forgiven. Sometimes people do nice things for me, based simply on the fact that they care about me, not because they feel they owe me anything. And sometimes people who don’t know me, at all, do nice things for me (they let me go in front of them at the checkout counter or they hold the door open for me when my hands are full), and I have never, ever seen them before in my life, and will probably never see them again. Their kindness isn’t based upon my behavior or their relationship with me, or the fact that I may return the favor someday; it is based upon the quality of their character. Multiple times each day, I receive things I didn’t earn and kindnesses I may not deserve. As do we all.

When we give things to others because they have earned them, they are not gifts. They are payments for services rendered. When we give thing to others, and we expect to receive something in return, we aren’t giving a gift. We are beginning a commercial transaction. 

A gift – in its truest form – is giving someone something (things, or kindness, or tolerance, or love) for nothing. They have not earned what you are offering. It is graciousness extended in the absence of worth. It is receiving a tip when the service you provided was disappointing. It is being spotted by the police when you are driving faster than the speed limit, and not receiving a ticket. It is walking away unharmed when you have engaged in a fit of temper. It is being kissed goodnight by a child who never got the chance to sit on your lap today because you were so “busy”. 

The Thanksgiving season is now upon us. We will talk about Pilgrims and Indians. We will eat turkey and pumpkin pie. We will receive and send cards that talk about our blessings. And most of us are very blessed indeed. But I wonder if we will take the time this year to contemplate the fact that we continually receive gifts that we are unaware of, ones that we cannot even begin to give thanks for by name, and of which we are undeserving? Or, of just how many times we are mercifully spared from receiving what we truly deserve? 

At times, we all receive more than we’ve earned and less than we deserve. I am so grateful for that. I hope you are too. 

How Much Respect Can You Afford to Lose?

As I write this, Netflix is attempting to climb out of one of the most predictable business failures ever. Apparently, the only people surprised by the dismal abyss Netflix has landed in are the executives at Netflix themselves. I, along with about 100,000 other people, warned them that raising their rates by 60% was ill-advised and wouldn’t be well received…but, apparently no one at Netflix can read email or the postings on their corporate Facebook page (perhaps if it isn’t released on video, they can’t comprehend it).

At this time in our nation’s history, when nearly 1 out of 10 Americans is unemployed, it’s a less-than-an-ideal time to raise the cost of anything. But the new Netflix pricing scheme seemed particularly shortsighted in light of the fact that Netflix isn’t in the entertainment business, it’s in the “mental escape” business.  Netflix isn’t really in the business of renting videos and streaming content, it is in the business of selling a ninety minute break from an often harsh and demanding reality. The Netflix service was providing families with the opportunity to come together for a couple of hours on a Friday night, watch a movie, and temporarily forget that the world outside was not as economically forgiving as it was five years ago. But rather than make that “mental vacation” an option for even more people (aka, potential customers) Netflix chose to make it harder for the customers they already had. And, to compound the problem, they put people in a position to have to think about the very thing they wanted to stop thinking about in the first place. Money.

 

Is it any surprise that such a strategy would fail?

So what does all of this have to do with personal growth and the pursuit of excellence? Everything. Because the key to success, whether in business or in personal life, is to understand that everything is a two-way street. No one operates in a vacuum. Decisions have consequences, and no one will ever thank you for treating them in a cavalier way. All relationships, if they are to be effective, must be symbiotic. 

Marriages that aren’t partnerships fail.

Bosses who manage through command and control will fail.

Parents that talk more than they listen will fail.

Companies that examine only the bottom line, and forget that people are behind their profits, will fail.

You see, until we are no longer in this world, we must deal with the people who populate it. Inconvenient? Sometimes. Avoidable? Only if you live alone in a cave in Nepal.“Other people” are the rails upon which our train of success must travel.  Change or damage the rails and we change the direction of the train – or derail it completely.

I hope Netflix recovers; those little red envelopes make a lot of people happy. But, let’s make sure that their mistake isn’t our mistake. When we are tempted to make the next unilateral or self-serving decision, when we are tempted to deliver it as a “my way or the highway” ultimatum, it might serve us well to stop and ask ourselves:

“How much respect and goodwill can I afford to lose today?” 

Choose Your Own Adventure

Back when my daughter was a child, there used to be a popular series of books called “Choose Your Own Adventure”. In these books, you read part of the story, and then at a decisive moment in the plot line, that thread of the story would end abruptly and you could continue on only by choosing one of several action options; for example, if you were being chased by the abominable snowman you could 1) run away 2) hide behind the closest tree, or c) attack the monster and try to fight him off. Once you chose your action, you turned to the corresponding “action” page and took up the story again. Ultimately, the sum total of your choices led to a unique ending. Someone else could read the same book, but their choices would be different and would ultimately lead them to a completely different ending.

While these types of books were very cool, and were all the rage back in the 80’s, they were not a new concept. The same idea had been around for a long time but we called it something else. We called it “real life”: the ultimate “choose your own adventure” story.

Every day, each of us faces a multitude of decisions, large and small; of great import or nearly negligible. And it is the sum total of those decisions that constitute the life we have at right this very moment. We make a choice and then stuff happens. Sometimes it’s “good” stuff, and sometimes it’s “bad” stuff, but there is no denying that we are shaping our own reality one decision at a time. Most people don’t like to hear this. When good stuff happens, we are usually quick to take the credit. But when bad stuff happens, we see ourselves as victims of circumstance. And sometimes, we are. But even in the most unfortunate circumstances, we control the key plot element to the happy ending – our interpretation of our life’s events.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone say, “If I had it to do over again…”. Well, that’s the rub. You can’t do it over again. Your past is the thread from which your present is woven, and your “now” absolutely cannot be separated from your “then”. As the filmmakers of old would say, “it’s in the can”. You may as well try to un-ring a bell. So if you can’t revise the event, what can you do? Well, how about revising the interpretation.

Consider these two women. 

Dana preferred her own company to that of other people. She had been an only child and spent the majority of her formative years playing alone.  As she grew, she found socializing with others to be difficult, and often avoided gatherings where she was not closely acquainted with all of those in attendance. As a result, she had a very limited group of friends and often felt like an outsider. In addition, she had been plagued with serious illness throughout most of her life. She struggled to maintain attendance at school, often being medically “sidelined” for weeks – and sometimes months – at a time. When she married, her husband’s work obligations further complicated her unique set of problems by forcing the family to move frequently, and providing her with little in the way of a support structure or predictable lifestyle. Looking back, she sees a “perfect storm” of circumstances that predisposed her to leading an unfulfilled, frustrating and lonely life.

Lynn was also an only child. She was born to two hardworking parents who were devoted to their daughter. In spite of the fact that she lacked playmates, she never lacked for entertainment. Her imagination was vivid, and she could lose herself for hours in the adventures of Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys. She remembers her trips to the library with her mother as some of the happiest moments in her young life. She loved sitting in the company of adults, listening to their conversations and imagining all of the things she would see and do when she was old enough to be on her own. Adult life seemed so rich and exciting! She, like Dana, was not a healthy child. But she views her periods of “forced isolation” as those times when she learned and grew the most. And also like Dana, she traveled the world with her husband, learning that she could be her own best resource and that she could “hold her own” regardless of where, and in what circumstances, she found herself. Looking back, Lynn credits her unique life experiences with turning her into a strong, independent, compassionate and resourceful woman

So, whose life would you rather live – Dana’s or Lynn’s? 

You may be surprised to learn that Dana and Lynn are the same person. They are both me, and both sets of facts are true. It is only the interpretation, the perspective of the storyteller, that is different. I intentionally choose to frame my life in terms of what I have gained, to see things from “Lynn’s” point of view, rather than to frame it by what it has lacked (Dana’s point of view). And you can frame your life story in the same way.

Clinical psychologists call this reframing of one’s life story as “narrative therapy”. It’s not about being unrealistic. It’s not about changing the past. It’s about viewing the past from a different perspective. 

You see, we all “spin” our life story. There is no way that we can think of ourselves in terms of everything we have ever seen, done or experienced. We will all, by mental necessity, choose to select certain events and circumstances and frame our identity around them. And in that way, we are writing our own story each and every day. 

You have had experiences. You have made choices. These are your plot elements, and they cannot be removed from your story. But they can be “reframed”. 

So how will you choose to “write your own adventure”?

Lessons for the Real World

I am taking a little "blogging break" this week, but still  have some great reading for you from internationally recognized speaker and teacher Chris Widener. In his article, he writes about ten "life lessons" he wishes he had learned before he grew up and moved out into the "real world".

Once you read his article, I challenge you to sit down and spend a few minutes listing some things you wish you had known about life prior to your entrance in to the complicated world of being a grown up. Feel free to share some of them with the rest of us in the comments section.

Have a great week!

10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Went Into the Real World

Intentional Disregard

How do you spend your time? Is the busyness of life eating away your hours, leaving you with nothing but crumbs? 

Until a few years ago, mine was. I got up each day, showered, drank coffee, dashed off to work, spent most of my daylight hours there, then dashed home, made dinner, did some laundry, cleaned something-or-another, paid some bills, brushed my teeth, fell into exhausted but troubled sleep, then got up and repeated the same process the next day. Whole weeks would slip by and I could not name even one thing that I did that I enjoyed. But even more troubling was that I had done nothing that would outlast me. None of my crazy busyness was doing anything to enrich my life or the lives of those I care about. I was just “putting out fires”. I would die wearing clean underwear and with no outstanding bills, but that was about it. Something had to give. Something was going to have to go undone so that I wouldn’t come undone. That’s when I sat down and decided what would get my attention, and what would have to wait. I developed a plan of Intentional Disregard.

I have intentionally chosen not to attend social functions that I am not interested in. No more school events, church socials, block parties, business cocktail parties or political rallies unless they hold great interest for me. I also have no enthusiasm for mopping floors, dusting bookshelves or scrubbing toilets, so I have arranged to have someone else do that for me. I don’t like to talk on the phone, so I don’t do it any more often or for any longer than I have to. When the phone rings at my house, it is as likely to get ignored as it is to get answered; people who know me also know enough to leave me a message. If I start a book and it doesn’t captivate me, I stop reading it, and I don’t watch movies whose topics don’t interest me, not matter how great the reviews are. I am intentionally disregarding things that have little intrinsic value to me. The space that they used to fill on my schedule has been replaced by chats with my husband over a glass of wine, reading books that interest me, writing about the things that matter most to me, and spending time with my friends and family.

I remember reading once about a survey taken of individuals over the age of ninety-five in which they were asked if they had their lives to live over again, what they would do differently. The three most commonly offered answers were these: 

• I would spend more time thinking and reflecting
• I would be more willing to take risks 
• I would focus more on things that will outlive me

How many of these things are showing up on your “to-do” list today? 

If you were to develop your own plan of Intentional Disregard, it would probably look very different than mine. The things that matter most to you, and the things that you can afford to disregard, are exclusive to you. No one else can, or should, define them for you. But I feel certain that there are things in your life that you could disregard today and be all the richer for having done so. You have enough heart and enough intelligence to know what those things are. So, why not spend a few minutes today developing your own plan of Intentional Disregard?

The Opiate of the Masses: It's Not What You Think

The writer and philosopher Henry Wood once penned, “ Simply to live is a wonderful privilege in itself…but to what are you alive?” 

Darn good question, Henry.

So, if I were to ask you what you were about…to describe your “aliveness”…could you do it? To what exactly, are you alive? Is your life a process of marking time, of tearing pages from your calendar, or is there something else? Some may call this an existentialist question, or even a metaphysical one, but I don’t see it that way at all. It's not about why we are here, but about what we are doing while we are here.

Let me explain. A couple of weeks ago, someone told me that he really enjoyed this blog, because it always made him think. And at that moment, something inside me expanded and I felt very, very alive (and humbled), because thinking is the privilege of the living. 

Karl Marx is often quoted as having said “religion is the opiate of the masses”. I think he was wrong. Religion is not “the opiate of the masses”, routine is. Routine is what enables us to go about our lives while remaining numb to that which makes us human; namely, our ability to think, to feel, and to question. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know that routine is necessary in order to maintain some semblance of order. Socks first, then shoes. Check the locks before going to bed. Change the oil every three thousand miles. But when we allow routine to dominate, when we allow our thinking to become marginalized, or worse yet, when we allow someone else’s thoughts to be traded for our own, we have sacrificed our “aliveness” for a cheap imitation. 

When was the last time you thought about yourself? Not like you typically think about yourself: not about what you are going to get or what you want, or about how you look or how you feel, or about what you are going to do next…but about who you ARE. What you truly believe. About the kind of person you are compared to the kind of person you want to be. 

If you only hear one thing that I ever say to you, let it be this: Open up to your life. Think more. Question your assumptions. Do something unexpected. Carve your own way. BE ALIVE UNTIL YOU’RE NOT!!  

  

You will not always (and maybe even not often) agree with my view of things, but that’s okay. You don’t need to think I’m amazing - you just need to think. Because the thoughts you think, and the actions you ultimately choose because of them, are the essence of your “aliveness”. 

I hope you have a great and amazing and thought-filled life. And in the short-term, a really satisfying week.

If You See Me Running

I am not athletic. At all. I do not jog, skip, jump, scamper, or power-walk. I will never enter a marathon. I know there are (slightly deviant) people out there who enjoy that kind of thing, but I am not counted among them. It is contrary to my basic nature. So, if you see me running anywhere, please call the police. I am having an emergency. I am either being chased by a bear, a thug, or my hair is on fire. Seriously. It is a sign.

This basic concept, that people typically don’t act contrary to their nature, is critical to understanding and communicating with those around us. If in thirty years of marriage your husband has never once brought you flowers, then one day he does, it’s time to ask some questions. (Is he cheating? Is he dying? Is he worried that you are cheating or dying?). If your dog has never, ever, tried to bite someone, then he suddenly does, it’s time to take a trip to the vet. (Is it a brain tumor? Rabies? A really annoying neighbor child who has gotten on the dog’s last, gentle nerve?) If your daughter has never been shy, then she suddenly decides to stop spending time with her friends, you’re going to need to investigate.  Something is amiss. (Is she being bullied? Is it adolescent hormones? Is she avoiding situations where she knows the potential for trouble exists?)

Life exerts an extraordinary amount of pressure on us, and sometimes, that pressure causes us to change directions; to act out of the ordinary in an attempt to protect ourselves and others. Sometimes people have to change just to survive.  So, when you see a significant change in another person’s behavior, you can bet they are under some sort of pressure; whether internally or externally generated. 

Intellectually, we know this. But we often behave as if we don’t.  When someone exhibits a new and unexpected behavior, one of two things typically happens. We either work to stamp out the new (read:”bad”) behavior (parents, employers and others in positions of authority are especially prone to do this). Or, we ignore the behavior in the hopes that it is temporary and will resolve on its own. Unfortunately, both approaches are doomed to failure, because the behavior is a sign of something that goes far deeper than the behavior itself. 

For example (true stories):

• A friend of mine’s father had always been friendly and outgoing. Over time, however, he began to anger easily and refused to leave the house. His family was perplexed, but wrote it off to age and “moodiness”. Unfortunately, his new behaviors turned out to be symptoms of a much deeper problem; he had been suffering from repeated small strokes which affected the part of his brain responsible for mood and social behaviors. By the time this was discovered, however, the damage to that region of his brain was extensive and irreversible.

•  When I was a child, a friend of mine and I played together almost every day at the local playground. But, one day, she announced she’d rather just play at her own house (unusual behavior). She said the same thing the next day.  And the day after that. After several days of refusing to go to the playground with me, I (being very bossy and persistent) told her that if she didn’t go with me, I wasn’t going to play with her at all anymore. She still refused to go. I assumed she didn’t want to play with me anymore. As it turned out, she was being molested in that same playground on a recurring basis by an older boy in our neighborhood. The signs were there, but no one noticed.

• The young son of a family member was involved in a fight on the school playground. He appeared a little bruised and battered, but otherwise there were no obvious signs of serious injury. A few days later, his grandmother noticed him sitting just inches from the television (unusual behavior), and she told him not to sit so close. He complied. But a few days later, there he was again, sitting inches from the screen. Again he was scolded and again he moved. Eventually, he was taken to an eye doctor to see if he needed glasses. Sadly, it was much more serious than that. His eye had suffered serious damage in that schoolyard fight and he had now permanently lost the ability to see out of that eye. An earlier intervention may have saved his vision.

• A former coworker, a typically upbeat man, began to grow quiet and despondent. While many people, including his employees, discussed his personality change when he was out of earshot, no one talked to him about it. They didn’t feel it was their business. They didn’t want to pry. He was smart, powerful, successful, and handsome – and he shot himself to death. We still don’t know why.

Employers, parents, spouses, friends – take note.  A change in a person’s behavior reflects a change in their circumstances. Validate that person by paying attention to their life. Stop worrying about being thought of as nosy, and get involved. Metaphorically speaking, “call 911”. Or, as in my case, if you see me running, then literally call 911.

Because it’s a sign.

A Complainer's Update: The Sand in My Shoes

As I suspected, trying to go without complaining has been difficult. The longest I have gone without airing a grievance of some sort has been three days. It’s certainly not twenty one days without complaining like Will Bowen advocates, but I think it is actually a significant improvement for me. As I said, I have a long history of complaining, so this may take some time. 

As it turns out, I am being tripped up, not by the big things, but by the little things. Here are some of the complaints that have set me back:

“There is nothing good on the radio.” 

“Why can’t restaurants add some gluten-free baked goods or pancakes to their menu?” (Yep – it turns out that I am still complaining about that).

“Why can’t I buy even one bottle of Spanish wine that doesn’t taste like Black Flag??” (The Italians would agree with me, but it’s still a fruitless grievance – no pun intended).

I once read an account of a man who had walked across America, from coast to coast. After his journey was complete, a reporter asked him what had been his toughest challenge along the way. His response was thought-provoking. He said that it wasn’t the “big” challenges that almost caused him to give up his quest. He met thunderstorms, muscle cramps, and fatigue with determination. Rather, the thing that almost defeated him was the daily “small” challenge of the sand in his shoes. Over and over again, the small, irritating grains of sand would make their way into his shoes and begin to chafe his feet. By the end of each day, his feet were sore and raw from the sand. After many days, the constant irritation was almost more than he could bear. 

I think I know just what he means. You see, it’s not the rocks that we have to climb along our journey that threaten to derail us; it’s the sand in our shoes. Blessedly, most of us don’t have to deal with a new, catastrophic situation each and every day. We all encounter tragedy and intensely emotional challenges periodically throughout our lives, but for the most part, they crop up occasionally. We muster our courage and spirit, and we deal with them. We emerge on the other side with a few battle scars and tender places, but we are still standing. 

But those small irritations, compounded daily, are the true enemies of our success and peace of mind. Like sand in our shoes, they accumulate and begin to chafe, until at some point, we look at ourselves and we are laid bare; raw, bleeding and going down for the count. No joy. No peace. No rest. We were prepared to slay a dragon but ended up being nibbled to death by a duck.

The man who walked across America offered some advice to anyone who wanted to follow in his footsteps: Wear thick socks and frequently shake the sand out of your shoes.

My efforts to stop complaining are part of my attempt to follow his wise advice. Focusing on the little annoyances in my life is like sprinkling sand in my shoes and then taking a walk in thin socks. It’s going to chafe. Why not focus on what is good (the equivalent of wearing thick socks) and choose to put away the small irritations (shake the sand out of my shoes)? 

So, I am still traveling. I have made some progress in my complaint-free journey, and that feels good. It’s slow going, but the scenery is starting to look a little bit different now. I’m in a brighter place than I was when I started out, and that’s nice. 

I think I still have a long stretch of road ahead of me. That’s to be expected, though, considering my starting place. But hey…who’s complaining? (smile). 

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