When It Comes to Helping Others, Think "Small Change"

The true value of what we do is not measured by how much something costs us (time, money, personal sacrifice), but by how much impact it had on those around us. Sometimes, little things really DO mean a lot.

I was in a very long line behind an elderly lady at the grocery store recently. When her groceries were totaled up, she began the laborious and lengthy process of counting out her payment in cash. As she neared the end of her counting process, she realized that she was a dollar and some change short of having enough to pay for the groceries. I could see the panic and embarrassment on her face. She glanced apologetically at those waiting in line behind her and softly asked the clerk if she would hold her purchases to the side while she went home to get the rest of the money. The clerk told her no, and advised her to remove something from her order.  She stood rooted to the spot, looking indecisively at her groceries…what should she do without?

What I did next is the same thing I believe many of the rest of you would do. I offered to pay the difference for her so that she could be on her way and I could get out of the store in a timely way. At that point, it was really as much about my aching feet as her pantry cupboard. (Not surprising in our “move it along, sister” generation.) What was surprising was the look on her face when she thanked me. You would have thought I had paid her entire grocery bill rather than her small shortage. She was amazingly, inexplicably, grateful for such a small favor. And that led me to a conclusion about the nature of giving: You don’t have to give until it hurts in order for your gift to “count”.  

If you can only change one little thing for the better, then change that one little thing for the better. Smile at one more person. Send $10 to a cause you care about. Speak a kind word to someone who needs it. Put a quarter in the parking meter for someone whose car is about to get towed. Or, give a stranger a dollar and eight cents so that she can take her eggs home. In other words, impact someone’s life in a positive way, in whatever way you can. 

In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, “Give what you have…it may be better than you think.”

The Magnitude of Our Courage

This was a rough weekend for those of us in North Carolina. Devastating tornadoes swept across our state, killing many and leaving others homeless. Many of our friends and neighbors now face a future without those they held dear, and things they have worked a lifetime to acquire have disappeared in an instant.  Such loss can seem overwhelming. But surprisingly, the people of North Carolina don’t seem overwhelmed. Instead, they seem determined. They are clearing away debris and setting up shelters. They are facing forward after allowing themselves a brief moment of looking back. They are living one of the foundational tenets of personal excellence:

“It’s not the magnitude of the task that matters, it’s the magnitude of our courage.” (Matthieu Ricard)

Anyone who has ever made a difference has done so in the face of tremendous challenges. The challenges aren’t the real story. Lots of people face challenges. The real story – the one worth repeating – is the difference made in spite of the challenges. Helen Keller was not the only blind and deaf person in the US in the late 1800s. Rosa Parks was not the only African-American told to give up her seat on a bus.  Mother Teresa wasn’t the only person to see the poverty and disease in Calcutta. So why do we know their names? We know them because of their courage in the face of what appeared to be insurmountable odds.

What will your story be about? The challenges or the courage?

If you would like to help those affected by the NC tornadoes, you can do so through the American RedCross.

Your Life is Your Beliefs Manifested

If I were to quietly follow you around every day, making notes about the things you did, at the end of the week I would be able to write a pretty accurate description of your world view and the philosophies that guide your life. That is because your life is a tangible manifestation of what you believe.

There is an important distinction here. Notice that I didn’t say that I would learn much from the things you said. I would come to know you by the things you did. Think about it. Talk really is cheap. And to further complicate the picture, human beings are unique in that we have the ability to deceive ourselves about what we believe.  As a matter of fact, we may be the only person being deceived by our high-minded talk. The ego has many defenses, and will employ all of them in its effort to protect itself.

Consider this: if you were to lose your ability to speak, or communicate through writing, what would your life say about the things you believe? Would others know that you hold family dear? Would they know that you believe people are more precious than things? Are you using talk to take the place of action?

You are writing your life story today, and you are doing it without words.

Labeling Your Experiences

Resist the temptation to apply broad-stroke labels of "bad" or "good" to people and experiences. Our perceptions of reality are colored by our labels. Is rain good or bad? The answer to that depends on perspective. Is death good or bad? Again, that would depend on perspective. A terminally ill patient who is suffering greatly may have a different answer to that than someone who is healthy and looking forward to exciting new opportunities in life.

The labels we attach to things tend to stick even when the circumstances change. This can lead to a great deal of unnecessary emotional pain, because the words "good" and "bad" are value judgments. A person who has intrinsically made the connection that "marriage is good" may be unwilling to leave an abusive relationship. Someone who believes "pain is bad" may go to unhealthy lengths to minimize physical or emotional pain through the use of drugs or alcohol. 

Each thing you encounter in life will be largely colored by the meaning (label) that you attach to it. So - be very careful when choosing your labels. If you label something as "tragic", it will be. If you label something a "waste of time", it will be. Every minute of every day, you are creating your reality. As a matter of fact, perception IS reality for the person perceiving it. So what type of reality do you want to create for yourself? While you may have little control over events, you alone have control of the labels. 

Wishing or Hoping?

Wishing is not the same thing as hoping, but the terms are often used interchangeably. The important difference is that a wish is based on nothing more than a desire for something. “I wish I could live forever”. Bad news. You won’t. And wishing won’t make it so. Hope on the other hand, has some basis in reality. “I hope I live to a ripe old age” is not unrealistic. You may indeed live to be old if you eat right, exercise and avoid stepping in front of a bus. 

Hope has the ability to propel us toward positive change; to aid us in setting goals and to give us purpose. Wishing detracts us from our purpose and depresses us by focusing our attention on what we lack. The good news is that wishes can be turned into something more than empty pipe dreams, but only if we are willing to do the work.

If you wish you had a different job, it’s time to do the work it takes to get one. Go back to school, network with others, find a mentor and send out some resumes. If you wish you were thinner, then talk to your doctor, start exercising, and change your diet. Stop wishing and start taking action to get what you want.  Take charge of the parts you have control of and see what happens!

I would encourage you to a look at your “wish list”. How many of the things on it are things you have a measure of control over? What steps are you actively taking right now to turn a wish into something more concrete? A wish + an action = a plan. And if you have a plan, then there’s hope.

A Mistake or a Bad Decision?

We all make mistakes in life, because we’re all fallible. But far too often, we try to minimize our bad decisions by referring to them as “mistakes”. A mistake is something that results from bad information or inattentiveness; i.e., you put salt in a recipe instead of sugar or you forget to record a withdrawal and end up overdrawing your bank account. The effect of both situations is negative, but not intentional. You see, that is the true nature of a mistake – it is unintentional. Sure, a mistake may end up creating very negative consequences (Aunt Sally gets choked on your salty cake and your bank imposes stiff penalties on you for overdrafts), but you didn’t decide to do something you knew could be harmful. 

Compare that to the politician who cheats on his wife and then announces he “made a mistake”. Really? He had no idea that he was doing something that was harmful to his reputation, his wife and his children? Or the Wall Street executive who announces at his trial that his deceptive trading practices were a “mistake”.  

These days, we are far too willing to claim “mistakes” when we need to be claiming responsibility. People who are committed to excellence understand the difference. It’s about personal accountability.