The Freedom No One Can Take Away

I love having choices. The freedom to shape our own destiny, as it were, is one of the things that Americans hold most dear; one of the things we celebrate each Fourth of July. We choose where we will live, what we will eat, what we will wear, what we will do for a living, who we will vote for…Americans are choosers. So does being free to choose make us better, more tolerant, people?

Not necessarily, according to a recent study published in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science.

The article states: 

 

“Choice makes North Americans feel more in control, free, and independent, and thus has many positive consequences for the individuals’ motivation and well-being.”

 

However, the study goes on to say that “…activating the concept of choice increases victim blaming and decreases empathy for disadvantaged people.”

This is interesting to me. The idea that we are less concerned about others, for any reason, is troubling, but particularly so when something so deeply ingrained into who we are as a society, such as the freedom to choose, is implicated. Can being free to choose undermine kindness and empathy? If so, why is that?

The conclusion drawn by the authors of the study is that, as successful individuals in free Western societies, we tend to look at where we are in life and see our position as being a result of our own choices and personal effort, rather than a result of politics, the efforts of others, or fate. Therefore, we may believe that if we have been able to “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps”, then those around us can too. In other words, we frame everyone’s experience by our own experience.  

If others are not successful or happy, it must surely be attributed to something they have, or haven’t, done. If they had just tried harder, worked harder, saved more, spent less, practiced safe sex, stopped smoking, started exercising, tried harder in school, chosen a different career path, chosen a different government…the list goes on… then they wouldn’t be in the shape they are in today. We shrug our shoulders and think, “Hey, they made their bed. Now they’re going to have to sleep in it.” 

Let me offer an example to help illustrate the point. A 2004 report in the Journal of Public Economics, citing the World Values Survey, indicated that only 30% of Americans believe the poor are “trapped” in poverty, and 60% of Americans reported that they believed people were poor because they were lazy. In other words, a significant number of Americans tend to see poverty as a choice.

Now, I am under no illusions that everyone will make the most of their opportunities. There are plenty of good examples of bad choices. Some people are poor because they are lazy. Some people are sick because of poor lifestyle choices. Some people do abuse the system. But in the words of Kent M. Keith, author of The Paradoxical Commandments:

 Do Good Anyway.

Our society offers many advantages that are unparalleled elsewhere in the world. And all of the advantages that we have as a nation are hard won; including, and most especially, our freedom to choose. But the idea that a lack of empathy for another person's pain, regardless of whether it is self-imposed, is warranted because the person “brought it on themselves”, feels awfully small and mean to me. I don’t want to be that person. 

I want to have a generosity of spirit that is based upon how much I share in common with those who suffer. I want to be a part of a society that extends kindness, help, and support to my fellow human beings, both at home and abroad, without suspicion and without regret. I want to remember that in most cases, “there but for the grace of God (or the twists of fate) go I.”

I want to encourage each of you to celebrate this Fourth of July by choosing to exercise the one freedom that no government can endow or take away: the freedom to extend kindness to your fellow man.

PS. If you want to learn more about the Paradoxical Commandments and take the “Do Good Anyway” Challenge, visit the Paradoxical Commandments website and download your free certificate. Buy the book while you’re at it. It’s a great read.

Stop Being Miserable: It's a Choice

Societal norms are powerful things. They go beyond the rule of law to create an environment that is self-regulating: we do, or don’t do, certain things based upon our society’s acceptance of those behaviors. We put on clothes to go to work each day, not because the law says we must, but because we’d be embarrassed to do otherwise. But societal norms can also take a negative turn if we aren’t careful. Allowing ourselves to be defined by what the group is doing may not always make sense.

For the majority of my adult life, I spent each weekday in a business suit and pointy-toed, high-heeled shoes. It was the “uniform” of the successful American business woman. Sure, there were other types of shoes I could have worn, but successful women wear expensive, two inch heels – just ask the editors at Vogue. So like millions of other women on their way to the “top”, I jammed my foot into a ridiculously shaped pair of footwear and continued to hobble up the corporate ladder. Then a few years ago, I had an epiphany that changed my life. 

As I sat soaking my aching and misshapen feet in Epsom salts, I thought, “No self-respecting man would ever do this to his feet, so why am I?” I determined right then and there that I would NEVER AGAIN wear uncomfortable shoes. (Imagine Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist at the heavens and vowing. “As God is my witness, I will never wear uncomfortable shoes – er – I mean, go hungry -  again”) Men, don’t laugh. This is a feminine torture that you can’t relate to. But stick with me, I do have a point that applies to you as well.

My point is this: There lies within each of us the ability to rationalize those things which are hurting us. Somewhere in our minds, the Voice of Justification says, “Yes, the high heels hurt, but all successful women wear them.” And “ Yes, this addiction could kill me, but it calms my nerves. Or, “ Yes, he hits me, but he really loves me.” And sometimes “ Yes, this job makes me miserable, but it pays the bills.” So we go on, every day, developing bunions and bruises, cancer and depression; all the while acting like we aren’t in pain. But at the bottom of each of these choices (notice I said choices) lies the truth; we would rather suffer than change, because change means making ourselves vulnerable. It means opening ourselves up to ridicule. It means risking failure. As the old saying goes, the devil we know is preferable to the one we don’t. 

For me, the Epiphany of the Shoes was really more about realigning my priorities than it was about footwear choices (although I really don’t wear uncomfortable shoes anymore) Let’s face it: life comes with plenty of discomfort built in. We don’t need to create our own. So, I gave up my uncomfortable shoes and stopped doing a few other self-destructive things as well. I may not look as fashionable as I used to in my Jimmy Choos, but I feel amazing. 

You’ll often hear me say that “an examined life is the only life worth living”. I think conscious living enhances all we do. Knowing who we are and how we want to live, and more significantly, why we want to live that way, makes us better people. Once we choose to live deliberately, rather than reactively, we have a great shot at making our life into one that we love. 

So, the question I have for you is this: What are you holding onto in your life that is the equivalent of “uncomfortable shoes”? What is holding you back, pinching you, restricting you from being who you know you can, or should, be? Ask yourself why you are hanging onto that thing or things. What are you really gaining by hanging on? Is the pain worth it? 

Talk About It. Ask Questions. Examine Life.