The Freedom No One Can Take Away

I love having choices. The freedom to shape our own destiny, as it were, is one of the things that Americans hold most dear; one of the things we celebrate each Fourth of July. We choose where we will live, what we will eat, what we will wear, what we will do for a living, who we will vote for…Americans are choosers. So does being free to choose make us better, more tolerant, people?

Not necessarily, according to a recent study published in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science.

The article states: 

 

“Choice makes North Americans feel more in control, free, and independent, and thus has many positive consequences for the individuals’ motivation and well-being.”

 

However, the study goes on to say that “…activating the concept of choice increases victim blaming and decreases empathy for disadvantaged people.”

This is interesting to me. The idea that we are less concerned about others, for any reason, is troubling, but particularly so when something so deeply ingrained into who we are as a society, such as the freedom to choose, is implicated. Can being free to choose undermine kindness and empathy? If so, why is that?

The conclusion drawn by the authors of the study is that, as successful individuals in free Western societies, we tend to look at where we are in life and see our position as being a result of our own choices and personal effort, rather than a result of politics, the efforts of others, or fate. Therefore, we may believe that if we have been able to “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps”, then those around us can too. In other words, we frame everyone’s experience by our own experience.  

If others are not successful or happy, it must surely be attributed to something they have, or haven’t, done. If they had just tried harder, worked harder, saved more, spent less, practiced safe sex, stopped smoking, started exercising, tried harder in school, chosen a different career path, chosen a different government…the list goes on… then they wouldn’t be in the shape they are in today. We shrug our shoulders and think, “Hey, they made their bed. Now they’re going to have to sleep in it.” 

Let me offer an example to help illustrate the point. A 2004 report in the Journal of Public Economics, citing the World Values Survey, indicated that only 30% of Americans believe the poor are “trapped” in poverty, and 60% of Americans reported that they believed people were poor because they were lazy. In other words, a significant number of Americans tend to see poverty as a choice.

Now, I am under no illusions that everyone will make the most of their opportunities. There are plenty of good examples of bad choices. Some people are poor because they are lazy. Some people are sick because of poor lifestyle choices. Some people do abuse the system. But in the words of Kent M. Keith, author of The Paradoxical Commandments:

 Do Good Anyway.

Our society offers many advantages that are unparalleled elsewhere in the world. And all of the advantages that we have as a nation are hard won; including, and most especially, our freedom to choose. But the idea that a lack of empathy for another person's pain, regardless of whether it is self-imposed, is warranted because the person “brought it on themselves”, feels awfully small and mean to me. I don’t want to be that person. 

I want to have a generosity of spirit that is based upon how much I share in common with those who suffer. I want to be a part of a society that extends kindness, help, and support to my fellow human beings, both at home and abroad, without suspicion and without regret. I want to remember that in most cases, “there but for the grace of God (or the twists of fate) go I.”

I want to encourage each of you to celebrate this Fourth of July by choosing to exercise the one freedom that no government can endow or take away: the freedom to extend kindness to your fellow man.

PS. If you want to learn more about the Paradoxical Commandments and take the “Do Good Anyway” Challenge, visit the Paradoxical Commandments website and download your free certificate. Buy the book while you’re at it. It’s a great read.

First, Do No Harm

I follow the blog of a young lady from the UK, Alice Pyne, who has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. Her blog is sweet and full of youthful optimism, even in the face of very dark circumstances. She has created a “bucket list” of things she wants to do before she dies, and it is an endearing mixture of maturity (i.e., getting everyone to become a bone marrow donor) and teenage hero-worship (to meet the British pop group Take That). I have said before that a hero is not someone who changes the world, but someone who changes what they can.  I think Alice is living like a hero, and so do many others who read her blog. But sadly, there are other readers out there who have shown what it means to be human without humanity. They have made unbelievably cruel comments about her, and others are using her blog to promote their own questionable businesses and personal agendas. Some are even pretending to be Alice or her mom on the internet in order to deceive others. Obviously, this is very upsetting to Alice and her family.

What is it that lies within people that allows them to cross the boundaries of common decency? What internal justifications are they making that allow for such smallness of heart and spirit?  I can’t help but believe that these people have never sat at the bedside of someone they loved and helplessly watched as death won out over life, for surely if they had, such gross insensitivity would be unthinkable.  Maybe no one ever held these people tightly when they were children and told them that every breath they took was precious. Maybe their own personal experiences have led them to believe that life is a zero-sum game and that the only way they can win is if someone else loses. My training says any or all of these things could be true. My humanity says I don’t particularly care if they are. While there are those among us who may have perfectly understandable reasons for bad behavior, “understandable” is a far cry from “acceptable”. 

Our culture and our survival depend on kindness. If, as a society, we move to an “every man for himself” model, we will have engineered our own demise. Cooperation, community and trust collapse in a society that ceases to demand civility from its citizens. My childhood wasn’t perfect nor, for that matter, is my present. I suspect the same holds true for each of you. But we have to learn how to operate as responsible human beings and navigate our way through life without doing harm. 

I remember talking to a friend who had lived in Japan for a number of years, and she remarked on the power of the group, in Japanese society, to shape behavior. She told me of watching a group of Japanese preschoolers playing. When one of the children made an aggressive move toward another child, the rest of the children banned together with the child who had been mistreated and moved to a different area of the playground. They continued to ostracize the aggressive child for the rest of the day. By the end of the day, the misbehaving child was quiet, apologetic and humbled. Peer pressure is a powerful thing.

So my questions for the day are these:

·         How tolerant are you of those who are unkind?

·         Do you make it easier or harder for them to do the wrong thing?

·         Do you make excuses for yourself or others?

·         Do you stand up for others?

·         Do you model kindness?

I honestly believe most people want to do the right thing, but I think our society has also grown increasingly disinterested in promoting good behavior. We can change that if we want to. So, maybe today we could start doing a little more for others, a kindness here – a kindness there, and letting those around us know that we are serious about civility. And by the way, if you get a chance, tell Alice Pyne that you’re rooting for her.