Not too long ago I joined a support group for people dealing with chronic health issues. My membership lasted about two weeks and I quit. I couldn’t take the seemingly endless litany of complaints, narcissism and defeatist attitudes that dominated the conversations. I tried to offer an alternate view, one of taking control of our disease and focusing on what we have rather than what we don’t have, but I was, for the most part, ignored. It turns out that misery not only loves company - it demands it. So, the support group folks will have to go on worrying, complaining and picking their scabs without me. I have bowed out, and I make no apologies. Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do.
Tenacity is a virtue that often walks hand-in-hand with success, but when we cling to things that are harmful, tenacity ceases to be a virtue and becomes a vice; a parasite that drains us of health and peace of mind. No one doubts the wisdom of quitting abusive relationships, smoking or other obviously self-destructive behaviors. But not all quitting behaviors are quite that straightforward. Sometimes, vices masquerade as virtues. Sometimes our tenacity causes us to cling to sharks we have mistaken for life rafts.
I have found that if something hurts, emotionally or physically, it's probably a good idea to stop doing it. I'm not talking about the soreness that comes from moderate exercise or the emotional ambivalence we feel when confronting difficult truths about ourselves. Those are normal and expected components of growth and development. The kind of pain that I'm talking about is the searing pain that develops in your knees every time you go out for a run or the debilitating emotional distress that comes from arguing with and lecturing someone who is obviously not going to change. If it hurts, I mean really hurts, don’t do it. Find a new exercise, a new approach or a new friend. Give yourself permission to quit. Quitting is a source of embarrassment only when it is rooted in laziness.
The older I get, the more I realize that time is short and my efforts must be spent on those activities that provide the greatest chance of being successful and making a positive impact in my life and the lives of others. If it is of little benefit, I have given myself permission to discard it. No harm, no foul.
As you have heard me say before, your life is the sum total of your experiences. If you fill your life with negative experiences, it logically follows that your life will be less than pleasing to you. So, what are you doing that you need to stop doing? What are you currently hanging on to that you need to cut loose? Why are you afraid to let go? Knowing the answers to these questions is the first step in empowering yourself to get on with your best life.
I am disappointed that my foray into the support group arena didn’t pan out. I had high hopes for it. We all need the occasional dose of encouragement, some good advice and a coping strategy or two. I am lucky that I still have wonderful people out there who take the time to offer those things to me, and I hope that this blog offers that to you. If it does, I'd really love to hear from you. Feel free to post a comment to this blog or send me an email at dmccall139@gmail.com.
5 comments:
I read the Wick religiously. Its always great and makes my day better!
I couldn't agree with you more!
I did not even realize how self pity just added to my pain. I am a quitter of self pity and I look for as much positive as I can, it is too easy to get sucked into a negative attitude. I still catch myself and quickly look for the good things. But when I do complain I love to hear a positive note from someone, It helps me get back to Happy and I try to do the same for others, but when they are always negative, I pull away as much as possible. When I am in there presence I try to encourage happy things. I will not spend my life focusing on negative feelings or on physical pain; I focus on sending healing energy and on the parts of myself that are working great. Thank you for this wonderful article. Hope you have a Happy and blessed day.
Hi Deanna
I don't agree with all you say on your blog. Two weeks is not long enough to deal with the problems of these people. They will need someone that can empathise, motivate and empower them to take charge of their own life. They need someone that is fully trained and has the correct skills for this type of work. They need someone that can sort out their worries, deal with their complaints and if neccessary put dressings on the scabs to aid healing. All this is going to take a great deal of time and lots of very hard work. They do not need someone that quits after 2 weeks. Maybe you yourself would benefit with more training because you did admit that you couldn't cope. I wish you luck for the future.
To the reader who commented above: I think you misunderstood my role in the support group.
As someone who is dealing with chronic disease myself, I was involved with this group, not as the leader, but as someone looking for encouragement and support myself. I didn't find much of that going on with this particular group, and I found that I actually felt worse after talking with them than I did before I joined, so I gave myself permission to move on. I had no responsibility for anyone's emotional and mental health other than my own, and I knew it was harming rather than helping.
Protecting ourselves from negativity is not any more selfish than choosing not to eat rotten food. Poisoning ourselves with negativity is a self-defeating behavior, and like spoiled milk, is best avoided.
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