What We Leave in Our Wake

A year or so ago, I read a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud, entitled “Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality”. While it is a book primarily written for a business audience, it is a great resource for anyone seeking to enhance their interpersonal skills through character development.

In the book, the author uses the movements of a ship at sea to help us visualize the ramifications of our actions. You see, no ship can move forward without leaving a wake. And the wake tells you a lot about the direction of the ship. If the wake is steady and straight and smooth, you can assume that the ship is progressing in a straight line and is on its plotted course. But a ship that leaves a turbulent and unpredictable wake is most likely a ship that has lost its way and is making hasty, poorly thought out, and potentially dangerous moves. Anything or anyone that is following close behind may find themselves overtaken, swamped, or drowned. According to Dr. Cloud, “The wake doesn’t lie and it doesn’t care about excuses. It is what it is.” Watch the wake and you’ll see your course reflected. So the question becomes, what does our wake look like?

If we were to take a soul-searching look at what we are leaving in our wake each day, as we move through our work and personal relationships, what would we find?

• Would others say that our movement through their lives has left them better off, or have they suffered loss for having been associated with us?
  
• Has our wake been steady and true, or have we left others reeling, confused and floundering?

• Do others feel uplifted and encouraged by us, or do they feel disappointed and let down? 
• Are we inspiring others to “shoot for the moon” or to hide in a bunker?

• Do people seek out our company or do they try to avoid us?

Unfortunately, it is relatively easy to deceive ourselves about the nature of our influence. It is almost impossible, however, to deceive those caught up in our disruptive wake. If people tend to tell us that we are difficult, disruptive, insensitive, negative, untrustworthy, disappointing, hurtful and critical, then we probably are. If people tend to avoid us altogether, they are telling us the same thing through their behavior. And if you just had the thought “Well, they just don’t get me…” then you are proving my point.

Knowing where we are headed in life has great value, but not to the exclusion of what we are leaving in our wake along the way. The end very seldom justifies the means. And, it is worth remembering that at some point each of us will cease to have a future and will only have a legacy (and I’m not talking about those things that are bequeathed in our wills).

Every day, we each “part the waters” and forge ahead, and the laws of physics say that we cannot help but leave a wake. So the question is not if we are impacting those close to us, but how we are impacting those close to us.

I pose this question to each of you today: If we spent a little more time looking back over the stern of the ship rather than acting like “the king of the world” (to quote Leonardo di Caprio in Titanic) up at the bow, would those around us be better off for our having done so? I think they would. Because I think most of us want to be better. We want to be a positive influence on those around us. But we can’t correct what we can’t see.

Take some time today and check your wake.

Something for Nothing

What would our lives be like if we only got what we deserved? 

I began to ponder this question after a recent visit to Starbucks. A few days ago, I swung into the Starbucks drive-through lane to get a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappucino (these are amazingly delicious).  I placed my order and pulled around to the pick- up window. Standing there was one of the most frazzled women I have seen in quite some time.  Her headset sat weirdly positioned atop something that looked like a giant hair-alarm going off. Her apron was spotted with milk and dark spots that I am hoping were coffee grounds. Her eyes were a bit glazed over and appeared to be going in two different directions at once. I was taken aback (and a bit frightened). 

It appeared that she was attempting to take orders at both the drive-up window and at the indoor counter, collect payment, make the coffee herself, and then rush back to the counter or drive-up window to serve it to the customer; all pretty much single-handed. I think she may have been having a nervous breakdown. 

She distractedly told me that my coffee would be ready “in just a second”. So I waited. And waited. The line of cars began to stretch out behind me. Eventually, she reappeared at the window and apologetically told me that only she and one other employee were working – everyone else had gone to lunch. She apologized for the delay and disappeared back around the corner. So, I waited some more. Finally, she returned with a cup of coffee and, apologizing again, handed it out through the window. I thanked her and attempted to hand her a tip.

You would’ve thought that I’d attempted to hand her a cobra. 

She jerked her hand back, and yelped “Oh no! I didn’t earn that! Geez, you’ve been out here, like, forever!” 

I told her to take it anyway and to consider it a "gift". She looked stunned. Then grateful. Then a little bit more sane.

Now, don’t misunderstand: it wasn’t a huge tip. It was a dollar. And I was disappointed in the service. But times are tough and money is hard to come by, and minimum wage jobs alone won’t pay the rent. Tips matter. I suspect she was doing the best she could, given the circumstances. But as I drove away, I couldn’t get her words and reaction out of my head: “I didn’t earn that…”

I am extraordinarily grateful for the fact that I don’t get only what I deserve. Actually, I am grateful for more than that. I am grateful that I don’t always get what I deserve.

Sometimes, I act badly, but people choose to be nice to me anyway. Sometimes I deserve to be punished or scolded, but instead I am forgiven. Sometimes people do nice things for me, based simply on the fact that they care about me, not because they feel they owe me anything. And sometimes people who don’t know me, at all, do nice things for me (they let me go in front of them at the checkout counter or they hold the door open for me when my hands are full), and I have never, ever seen them before in my life, and will probably never see them again. Their kindness isn’t based upon my behavior or their relationship with me, or the fact that I may return the favor someday; it is based upon the quality of their character. Multiple times each day, I receive things I didn’t earn and kindnesses I may not deserve. As do we all.

When we give things to others because they have earned them, they are not gifts. They are payments for services rendered. When we give thing to others, and we expect to receive something in return, we aren’t giving a gift. We are beginning a commercial transaction. 

A gift – in its truest form – is giving someone something (things, or kindness, or tolerance, or love) for nothing. They have not earned what you are offering. It is graciousness extended in the absence of worth. It is receiving a tip when the service you provided was disappointing. It is being spotted by the police when you are driving faster than the speed limit, and not receiving a ticket. It is walking away unharmed when you have engaged in a fit of temper. It is being kissed goodnight by a child who never got the chance to sit on your lap today because you were so “busy”. 

The Thanksgiving season is now upon us. We will talk about Pilgrims and Indians. We will eat turkey and pumpkin pie. We will receive and send cards that talk about our blessings. And most of us are very blessed indeed. But I wonder if we will take the time this year to contemplate the fact that we continually receive gifts that we are unaware of, ones that we cannot even begin to give thanks for by name, and of which we are undeserving? Or, of just how many times we are mercifully spared from receiving what we truly deserve? 

At times, we all receive more than we’ve earned and less than we deserve. I am so grateful for that. I hope you are too.