The Freedom No One Can Take Away

I love having choices. The freedom to shape our own destiny, as it were, is one of the things that Americans hold most dear; one of the things we celebrate each Fourth of July. We choose where we will live, what we will eat, what we will wear, what we will do for a living, who we will vote for…Americans are choosers. So does being free to choose make us better, more tolerant, people?

Not necessarily, according to a recent study published in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science.

The article states: 

 

“Choice makes North Americans feel more in control, free, and independent, and thus has many positive consequences for the individuals’ motivation and well-being.”

 

However, the study goes on to say that “…activating the concept of choice increases victim blaming and decreases empathy for disadvantaged people.”

This is interesting to me. The idea that we are less concerned about others, for any reason, is troubling, but particularly so when something so deeply ingrained into who we are as a society, such as the freedom to choose, is implicated. Can being free to choose undermine kindness and empathy? If so, why is that?

The conclusion drawn by the authors of the study is that, as successful individuals in free Western societies, we tend to look at where we are in life and see our position as being a result of our own choices and personal effort, rather than a result of politics, the efforts of others, or fate. Therefore, we may believe that if we have been able to “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps”, then those around us can too. In other words, we frame everyone’s experience by our own experience.  

If others are not successful or happy, it must surely be attributed to something they have, or haven’t, done. If they had just tried harder, worked harder, saved more, spent less, practiced safe sex, stopped smoking, started exercising, tried harder in school, chosen a different career path, chosen a different government…the list goes on… then they wouldn’t be in the shape they are in today. We shrug our shoulders and think, “Hey, they made their bed. Now they’re going to have to sleep in it.” 

Let me offer an example to help illustrate the point. A 2004 report in the Journal of Public Economics, citing the World Values Survey, indicated that only 30% of Americans believe the poor are “trapped” in poverty, and 60% of Americans reported that they believed people were poor because they were lazy. In other words, a significant number of Americans tend to see poverty as a choice.

Now, I am under no illusions that everyone will make the most of their opportunities. There are plenty of good examples of bad choices. Some people are poor because they are lazy. Some people are sick because of poor lifestyle choices. Some people do abuse the system. But in the words of Kent M. Keith, author of The Paradoxical Commandments:

 Do Good Anyway.

Our society offers many advantages that are unparalleled elsewhere in the world. And all of the advantages that we have as a nation are hard won; including, and most especially, our freedom to choose. But the idea that a lack of empathy for another person's pain, regardless of whether it is self-imposed, is warranted because the person “brought it on themselves”, feels awfully small and mean to me. I don’t want to be that person. 

I want to have a generosity of spirit that is based upon how much I share in common with those who suffer. I want to be a part of a society that extends kindness, help, and support to my fellow human beings, both at home and abroad, without suspicion and without regret. I want to remember that in most cases, “there but for the grace of God (or the twists of fate) go I.”

I want to encourage each of you to celebrate this Fourth of July by choosing to exercise the one freedom that no government can endow or take away: the freedom to extend kindness to your fellow man.

PS. If you want to learn more about the Paradoxical Commandments and take the “Do Good Anyway” Challenge, visit the Paradoxical Commandments website and download your free certificate. Buy the book while you’re at it. It’s a great read.

Standing on the Brink of Genius

The poet Kahlil Gibran once said that “perplexity is the beginning of knowledge”. If this is true, then I am standing on the brink of genius, because the older I get, the more I have come to realize how many things I don’t know.  And many of the things I thought I knew, the stark “black and white” views that I was so sure of when I was younger, have mellowed over time into gentler shades of gray. It turns out that life contains far more variables, fallibility, and misinterpretation of data than it does absolutes and certainties. As life extends, so does its mystery.  At least, it does for those who are paying attention.

I think what Gibran was trying to say is this: You can’t know what you need to know until you know that you don’t know it. Or, to put it a little more clearly, a “know-it-all” DOESN’T. And won’t. They’ve lost their ability to be perplexed. 

Just as good physical health is marked by certain signs such as rosy cheeks, energy, and a healthy appetite, intellectual health has indications as well. Listening as least as much as you talk, associating with those who see things differently than you, and challenging your own opinions are all signs of a healthy intellect. What would happen if you took one of your deeply held beliefs or assumptions and then set out to prove to yourself that you might be wrong? I mean really tried to talk yourself out of your deeply held belief. Could your ego survive if you lost your absolute assurance that you were right?  

Being assured that we know everything – at least everything worth knowing – closes the door to investigation. But as any psychiatrist can tell you, lack of curiosity isn’t a sign of intelligence; it’s a sign of a mental disorder. 

Back in the spring, I began to notice something. My neighbors mowed their yard every day. Each morning, once the sun got high enough in the sky to warm things up, I would hear their mower start. I could only hear it from one particular room in my house, a room from which I couldn’t see their front yard, but I could be assured that when I went to that room I would hear their mower humming off in the distance.  After about a week, this constant mowing started to get on my nerves. Why would anyone mow their yard every single day?? It was very irritating. Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me and I walked around the hedges and into their yard. Oddly, there was no one mowing and the sound had stopped. Hmmm... I went back into the house – and still heard the mower. I went outside again. No mower. Weird.

Eventually, I went into my own back yard, following the sound. As I neared the corner of my house, the sound grew louder. Then I saw it. There was no mower at all! Instead, the sound was coming from a steady stream of carpenter bees busily drilling holes into the side of my house. A lot of them. Thankfully, I had discovered them before any major damage had been done. They were exterminated, the holes patched up, and I was no longer irritated at my innocent neighbors. But I learned a lesson. Be curious. Investigate. Never assume. The truth may not be what you think it is.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. If you want to grow emotionally and intellectually, you have to get curious about your own life. You have to be willing to challenge your assumptions and change your position when warranted. Reality, however harsh or unexpected, is always your friend.

Perhaps Alistair Cooke said it best when he stated:

“Curiosity endows the people who have it with a generosity in argument, and a serenity in their own mode of life, which springs from their cheerful willingness to let life take the form it will.”

The pursuit of absolute truth is noble. The possession of it is highly unlikely. When we accept that, we are infinitely better, and much smarter, people. 

Sick To Death: The Disease of Discontentment

There is an epidemic sweeping through my town, and it’s probably spreading in yours as well. It seldom shows up with obvious physical manifestations, like chicken pox or hives does. Instead it’s subtle. The symptoms are most easily observed in conversation. Listen for:

“I wish……..”

“I don’t like….”

“If only….”

" I never get to..."

These are the symptoms of discontentment and it seems a lot of people have them. Unlike the common cold, however, discontentment is eventually fatal. It is a form of heart disease. Ignore the symptoms at your own peril.

Pediatricians used to recommend that parents keep a bottle of something called Syrup of Ipecac on hand in case a child suffered accidental poisoning. Ipecac induces vomiting, so the idea behind its administration was that if a child were to accidentally ingest anything toxic, caregivers could administer a dose of ipecac and cause the child to vomit up the harmful substance. Ipecac was not a “medicine”, and it didn’t cure anything; it just served to make the child sick. But in doing so, it could also force the dangerous toxin back out of the body before any additional damage could be done. And so it is with discontent.

If discontent has any intrinsic value, it has so only to the degree that it acts as a catalyst for change; change in our circumstances or change in our attitude about our circumstances. But beyond that, it is dangerous stuff.  

  

I can say with absolute certainty that I have never found any benefit in being discontented. The way I see it, discontentment should be no more a state of being than ipecac should be the mainstay of a diet. When discontentment arises (and it inevitably will), I recognize it for what it is: the need to purge. Something needs to go – either the negative circumstances or my negative attitude. But allowing discontentment to settle in while I passively sit and wish for a different life is not an option I allow myself. It is far too dangerous.

If you are experiencing discontentment, it’s time to do a thorough self-examination. Where does it hurt? What about your situation can be changed for the better: your attitude or your circumstances? If you are in a situation that can be changed through your own efforts – no matter how difficult – it’s time to stop the stomach-churning misery of it all and make the change. If you are not able to change the circumstances themselves, then you have no choice but to change your attitude about them. But either way, you cannot live long in discontent. It's time to purge. Negativity that goes unheeded is ultimately, and always, fatal. 

First, Do No Harm

I follow the blog of a young lady from the UK, Alice Pyne, who has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. Her blog is sweet and full of youthful optimism, even in the face of very dark circumstances. She has created a “bucket list” of things she wants to do before she dies, and it is an endearing mixture of maturity (i.e., getting everyone to become a bone marrow donor) and teenage hero-worship (to meet the British pop group Take That). I have said before that a hero is not someone who changes the world, but someone who changes what they can.  I think Alice is living like a hero, and so do many others who read her blog. But sadly, there are other readers out there who have shown what it means to be human without humanity. They have made unbelievably cruel comments about her, and others are using her blog to promote their own questionable businesses and personal agendas. Some are even pretending to be Alice or her mom on the internet in order to deceive others. Obviously, this is very upsetting to Alice and her family.

What is it that lies within people that allows them to cross the boundaries of common decency? What internal justifications are they making that allow for such smallness of heart and spirit?  I can’t help but believe that these people have never sat at the bedside of someone they loved and helplessly watched as death won out over life, for surely if they had, such gross insensitivity would be unthinkable.  Maybe no one ever held these people tightly when they were children and told them that every breath they took was precious. Maybe their own personal experiences have led them to believe that life is a zero-sum game and that the only way they can win is if someone else loses. My training says any or all of these things could be true. My humanity says I don’t particularly care if they are. While there are those among us who may have perfectly understandable reasons for bad behavior, “understandable” is a far cry from “acceptable”. 

Our culture and our survival depend on kindness. If, as a society, we move to an “every man for himself” model, we will have engineered our own demise. Cooperation, community and trust collapse in a society that ceases to demand civility from its citizens. My childhood wasn’t perfect nor, for that matter, is my present. I suspect the same holds true for each of you. But we have to learn how to operate as responsible human beings and navigate our way through life without doing harm. 

I remember talking to a friend who had lived in Japan for a number of years, and she remarked on the power of the group, in Japanese society, to shape behavior. She told me of watching a group of Japanese preschoolers playing. When one of the children made an aggressive move toward another child, the rest of the children banned together with the child who had been mistreated and moved to a different area of the playground. They continued to ostracize the aggressive child for the rest of the day. By the end of the day, the misbehaving child was quiet, apologetic and humbled. Peer pressure is a powerful thing.

So my questions for the day are these:

·         How tolerant are you of those who are unkind?

·         Do you make it easier or harder for them to do the wrong thing?

·         Do you make excuses for yourself or others?

·         Do you stand up for others?

·         Do you model kindness?

I honestly believe most people want to do the right thing, but I think our society has also grown increasingly disinterested in promoting good behavior. We can change that if we want to. So, maybe today we could start doing a little more for others, a kindness here – a kindness there, and letting those around us know that we are serious about civility. And by the way, if you get a chance, tell Alice Pyne that you’re rooting for her.

Are You Biting the Hand That Feeds You?

The geese living in my backyard expect me to feed them. And being the soft-touch that I am, I occasionally do. But don’t imagine it’s a Disney-Moment, because it isn’t. Geese are cranky. The whole time I am tossing them bread crumbs, they are hissing at me. Even the babies. They run to within six inches of my feet, gaze at me with expectation, and between bites of food they threaten and complain. I would write this off as some sort of aberrant goose behavior, except I know people that are exactly the same way. 

Companies advertise for our business but then treat us as if our presence in their store is an inconvenience to them. Bosses treat their employees with inconsideration and think the fact that they are paying the employees’ salary gives them the right to be insensitive. Employees happily cash their paycheck but complain all week about how much they hate their job. We take advantage of public highways, public schools and public parks but complain about paying taxes. We’ve elevated self- centered behavior and grouchiness to an art form. 

Geese are not known for their intelligence and problem-solving skills, hence the old saying that someone is “as silly as a goose”. Biting (or hissing at) the hand that feeds you may make sense to you if you’ve got the brains of a goose, but it is silly, self-defeating behavior for a human and shows a dangerous lack of situational awareness. 

Businesses that don’t respect their customers will eventually have no customers. Supervisors who are insensitive to employees drive down productivity and put the business at risk. Employees who complain about their jobs will eventually be replaced by those with a more positive attitude.  Citizens who are unwilling to endure common sacrifices (such as taxes) will eventually be unable to benefit from common creations (like highways). 

If you’re a “hisser”, you need to know that you are programming failure and dissatisfaction into your future. Now, is that what you really want? 

Bigfoot, UFOs and the Happy Life: Believing is Seeing

Have you ever wondered why the only people who actually encounter Bigfoot in the woods are people who are open to the idea that Bigfoot might really exist? Or why the only ones to see UFOs are people who believe alien life forms are possible in the first place? You’ll seldom meet a converted skeptic, and there is a reason for that. We tend to see what we expect to see. For most people, the old phrase “seeing is believing” is not as true as the reverse: believing is seeing.
 

The things we pay attention to are the things that form our view of the world around us. We literally create our own reality by choosing where to direct our focus. For example, I am not a fan of outdoor adventures, but my husband is. He and I can hike in the mountains, and he will notice the plants and the wildlife and will feel exhilarated. His experience will be a positive one. I will notice the mosquitoes and the rough terrain and become irritable. My experience will be a negative one. He sees the flower, I see the bee. We walk the same path but come away having had very different experiences. 

The implications of where we choose to direct our focus in life are monumental, because through those choices, we are shaping our lives. When we look for faults, we find them. If we believe someone is out to get us, then everything that person does seems sinister. If we are sensitive to being slighted by others, we will constantly be on guard for insults, criticisms, prejudices and discrimination, and we will find them – even when they were never intended. As the old saying goes, we become “an ouch looking for a hurt”.

We’ve all met people who see the bad in every situation and every person they encounter. Their conversations center around their health problems, their family problems, their bad work situation, and on and on. They direct their focus toward whatever is wrong and completely ignore that which is going well. They have, through their attention, created a negative reality for themselves. That’s a shame. Choosing to live a negative life is like owning a gold mine and choosing to sell the dirt rather than the gold. You have access to both the treasure and the waste, but your focus will ensure that you spend your life dirty and poor.

To live a happy and fulfilling life, we must be very particular about what we pay attention to, and what we let fall to the wayside.  When we pay attention to something, it changes the way we feel. Those feelings then lead to actions, and the actions create results; either positive or negative. So, if we can change our focus, we can change our results. I’m not suggesting living a delusional life in which we pretend bad things aren’t real. But acknowledging that something is unpleasant is not the same as focusing on it. Go ahead and acknowledge the hurt – but move on. Don’t brood. When we redirect our attention away from the hurts of life and toward those things which bring us joy and satisfaction, our reality improves and our pain lessens. 

If you want to achieve happiness and satisfaction, begin focusing your attention as precisely as you would focus a camera lens, and focus on that which is positive. Notice when people smile at you, when people are kind to you, and when you do something well. Actively seek out the company of positive people. Notice how good your coffee tastes and how nice it is to have a warm shower in the morning. Read a good news story. Extend a kindness to someone and pay attention to how that makes you feel. 

In other words, notice your good life. 

 Talk about it. Ask questions. Examine life.

Stop Being Miserable: It's a Choice

Societal norms are powerful things. They go beyond the rule of law to create an environment that is self-regulating: we do, or don’t do, certain things based upon our society’s acceptance of those behaviors. We put on clothes to go to work each day, not because the law says we must, but because we’d be embarrassed to do otherwise. But societal norms can also take a negative turn if we aren’t careful. Allowing ourselves to be defined by what the group is doing may not always make sense.

For the majority of my adult life, I spent each weekday in a business suit and pointy-toed, high-heeled shoes. It was the “uniform” of the successful American business woman. Sure, there were other types of shoes I could have worn, but successful women wear expensive, two inch heels – just ask the editors at Vogue. So like millions of other women on their way to the “top”, I jammed my foot into a ridiculously shaped pair of footwear and continued to hobble up the corporate ladder. Then a few years ago, I had an epiphany that changed my life. 

As I sat soaking my aching and misshapen feet in Epsom salts, I thought, “No self-respecting man would ever do this to his feet, so why am I?” I determined right then and there that I would NEVER AGAIN wear uncomfortable shoes. (Imagine Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist at the heavens and vowing. “As God is my witness, I will never wear uncomfortable shoes – er – I mean, go hungry -  again”) Men, don’t laugh. This is a feminine torture that you can’t relate to. But stick with me, I do have a point that applies to you as well.

My point is this: There lies within each of us the ability to rationalize those things which are hurting us. Somewhere in our minds, the Voice of Justification says, “Yes, the high heels hurt, but all successful women wear them.” And “ Yes, this addiction could kill me, but it calms my nerves. Or, “ Yes, he hits me, but he really loves me.” And sometimes “ Yes, this job makes me miserable, but it pays the bills.” So we go on, every day, developing bunions and bruises, cancer and depression; all the while acting like we aren’t in pain. But at the bottom of each of these choices (notice I said choices) lies the truth; we would rather suffer than change, because change means making ourselves vulnerable. It means opening ourselves up to ridicule. It means risking failure. As the old saying goes, the devil we know is preferable to the one we don’t. 

For me, the Epiphany of the Shoes was really more about realigning my priorities than it was about footwear choices (although I really don’t wear uncomfortable shoes anymore) Let’s face it: life comes with plenty of discomfort built in. We don’t need to create our own. So, I gave up my uncomfortable shoes and stopped doing a few other self-destructive things as well. I may not look as fashionable as I used to in my Jimmy Choos, but I feel amazing. 

You’ll often hear me say that “an examined life is the only life worth living”. I think conscious living enhances all we do. Knowing who we are and how we want to live, and more significantly, why we want to live that way, makes us better people. Once we choose to live deliberately, rather than reactively, we have a great shot at making our life into one that we love. 

So, the question I have for you is this: What are you holding onto in your life that is the equivalent of “uncomfortable shoes”? What is holding you back, pinching you, restricting you from being who you know you can, or should, be? Ask yourself why you are hanging onto that thing or things. What are you really gaining by hanging on? Is the pain worth it? 

Talk About It. Ask Questions. Examine Life.

Growing Pains

I have a family of geese living in my backyard; a very regal looking mom and dad and five awkward-looking babies. The little ones started out incredibly cute and tiny, with feathers that looked like soft, yellow fur.  But now the adolescent geese are all gangly and noisy, with feet that are way too big for their bodies and feathers that are the color of mud. And they are messy. Really messy.

I have watched their evolution from hatchlings and have come to a conclusion about geese and people alike: there is no way to get to “regal” without passing through “awkward” on the way.   

(And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know you have a powder-blue prom tux or a Farrah-Fawcett-Hair picture hidden away somewhere that will make my point for me…)

Maturing is a messy, awkward business, and that holds true not just for the process of physically maturing, but for any growth process that we undergo. There comes a point in our transformation when we are no longer what we were, but what we hope to become is still just a glimmer on the horizon. We examine our progress and are disappointed to find that, for now, we are all feet and feathers, regrets and good intentions, big ideas and false starts. Some days we feel lucky to walk – flying is out of the question. 

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will become what we hope to be if we don’t give up. The bad news is that it’s going to hurt. In order to learn the lessons we need to learn, we are going to have to be stretched in uncomfortable ways. We have to fall down. We have to look silly. We have to be willing to endure the process of growth, with all of its associated discomfort and awkwardness. 

I have met people who elected to stay where they were because change was too painful, and they are no less a tragedy than a child who fails to thrive. And just as in physical maturation, failure to thrive (or grow) in other areas will eventually lead to decline. Whether it is in our career, our personal relationships, our educational pursuits or our emotional life, we cannot stagnate and expect to survive indefinitely. Our survival depends on maintaining forward momentum. We have to keep growing, keep seeking, and keep pushing ourselves to go just a little bit further.

I want to encourage you today to be patient with yourself as you grow, but also to never give yourself permission to quit. Don’t lose heart and excuse yourself from the fight with words like “that’s just the way I am…” It isn’t just the way you are! Stop trying to see your future in the rear view mirror. Accept the present for what it is: an awkward phase. Yes, you will screw some things up. Yes, others will notice. Blush and move on. That's part of the process. You'll survive; but only if you keep moving.

Don’t be afraid of the growing pains of life; they are only temporary. If you can get past the goofy looking feathers and big feet, “regal” is waiting for you down the road. Douglas Engelbart once said, “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.”   

That blue prom tux already shows you can put up with a lot of embarrassment, so hang on.You’re almost there.