Societal norms are powerful things. They go beyond the rule of law to create an environment that is self-regulating: we do, or don’t do, certain things based upon our society’s acceptance of those behaviors. We put on clothes to go to work each day, not because the law says we must, but because we’d be embarrassed to do otherwise. But societal norms can also take a negative turn if we aren’t careful. Allowing ourselves to be defined by what the group is doing may not always make sense.
For the majority of my adult life, I spent each weekday in a business suit and pointy-toed, high-heeled shoes. It was the “uniform” of the successful American business woman. Sure, there were other types of shoes I could have worn, but successful women wear expensive, two inch heels – just ask the editors at Vogue. So like millions of other women on their way to the “top”, I jammed my foot into a ridiculously shaped pair of footwear and continued to hobble up the corporate ladder. Then a few years ago, I had an epiphany that changed my life.
As I sat soaking my aching and misshapen feet in Epsom salts, I thought, “No self-respecting man would ever do this to his feet, so why am I?” I determined right then and there that I would NEVER AGAIN wear uncomfortable shoes. (Imagine Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist at the heavens and vowing. “As God is my witness, I will never wear uncomfortable shoes – er – I mean, go hungry - again”) Men, don’t laugh. This is a feminine torture that you can’t relate to. But stick with me, I do have a point that applies to you as well.
My point is this: There lies within each of us the ability to rationalize those things which are hurting us. Somewhere in our minds, the Voice of Justification says, “Yes, the high heels hurt, but all successful women wear them.” And “ Yes, this addiction could kill me, but it calms my nerves. Or, “ Yes, he hits me, but he really loves me.” And sometimes “ Yes, this job makes me miserable, but it pays the bills.” So we go on, every day, developing bunions and bruises, cancer and depression; all the while acting like we aren’t in pain. But at the bottom of each of these choices (notice I said choices) lies the truth; we would rather suffer than change, because change means making ourselves vulnerable. It means opening ourselves up to ridicule. It means risking failure. As the old saying goes, the devil we know is preferable to the one we don’t.
For me, the Epiphany of the Shoes was really more about realigning my priorities than it was about footwear choices (although I really don’t wear uncomfortable shoes anymore) Let’s face it: life comes with plenty of discomfort built in. We don’t need to create our own. So, I gave up my uncomfortable shoes and stopped doing a few other self-destructive things as well. I may not look as fashionable as I used to in my Jimmy Choos, but I feel amazing.
You’ll often hear me say that “an examined life is the only life worth living”. I think conscious living enhances all we do. Knowing who we are and how we want to live, and more significantly, why we want to live that way, makes us better people. Once we choose to live deliberately, rather than reactively, we have a great shot at making our life into one that we love.
So, the question I have for you is this: What are you holding onto in your life that is the equivalent of “uncomfortable shoes”? What is holding you back, pinching you, restricting you from being who you know you can, or should, be? Ask yourself why you are hanging onto that thing or things. What are you really gaining by hanging on? Is the pain worth it?
Talk About It. Ask Questions. Examine Life.
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