If You See Me Running

I am not athletic. At all. I do not jog, skip, jump, scamper, or power-walk. I will never enter a marathon. I know there are (slightly deviant) people out there who enjoy that kind of thing, but I am not counted among them. It is contrary to my basic nature. So, if you see me running anywhere, please call the police. I am having an emergency. I am either being chased by a bear, a thug, or my hair is on fire. Seriously. It is a sign.

This basic concept, that people typically don’t act contrary to their nature, is critical to understanding and communicating with those around us. If in thirty years of marriage your husband has never once brought you flowers, then one day he does, it’s time to ask some questions. (Is he cheating? Is he dying? Is he worried that you are cheating or dying?). If your dog has never, ever, tried to bite someone, then he suddenly does, it’s time to take a trip to the vet. (Is it a brain tumor? Rabies? A really annoying neighbor child who has gotten on the dog’s last, gentle nerve?) If your daughter has never been shy, then she suddenly decides to stop spending time with her friends, you’re going to need to investigate.  Something is amiss. (Is she being bullied? Is it adolescent hormones? Is she avoiding situations where she knows the potential for trouble exists?)

Life exerts an extraordinary amount of pressure on us, and sometimes, that pressure causes us to change directions; to act out of the ordinary in an attempt to protect ourselves and others. Sometimes people have to change just to survive.  So, when you see a significant change in another person’s behavior, you can bet they are under some sort of pressure; whether internally or externally generated. 

Intellectually, we know this. But we often behave as if we don’t.  When someone exhibits a new and unexpected behavior, one of two things typically happens. We either work to stamp out the new (read:”bad”) behavior (parents, employers and others in positions of authority are especially prone to do this). Or, we ignore the behavior in the hopes that it is temporary and will resolve on its own. Unfortunately, both approaches are doomed to failure, because the behavior is a sign of something that goes far deeper than the behavior itself. 

For example (true stories):

• A friend of mine’s father had always been friendly and outgoing. Over time, however, he began to anger easily and refused to leave the house. His family was perplexed, but wrote it off to age and “moodiness”. Unfortunately, his new behaviors turned out to be symptoms of a much deeper problem; he had been suffering from repeated small strokes which affected the part of his brain responsible for mood and social behaviors. By the time this was discovered, however, the damage to that region of his brain was extensive and irreversible.

•  When I was a child, a friend of mine and I played together almost every day at the local playground. But, one day, she announced she’d rather just play at her own house (unusual behavior). She said the same thing the next day.  And the day after that. After several days of refusing to go to the playground with me, I (being very bossy and persistent) told her that if she didn’t go with me, I wasn’t going to play with her at all anymore. She still refused to go. I assumed she didn’t want to play with me anymore. As it turned out, she was being molested in that same playground on a recurring basis by an older boy in our neighborhood. The signs were there, but no one noticed.

• The young son of a family member was involved in a fight on the school playground. He appeared a little bruised and battered, but otherwise there were no obvious signs of serious injury. A few days later, his grandmother noticed him sitting just inches from the television (unusual behavior), and she told him not to sit so close. He complied. But a few days later, there he was again, sitting inches from the screen. Again he was scolded and again he moved. Eventually, he was taken to an eye doctor to see if he needed glasses. Sadly, it was much more serious than that. His eye had suffered serious damage in that schoolyard fight and he had now permanently lost the ability to see out of that eye. An earlier intervention may have saved his vision.

• A former coworker, a typically upbeat man, began to grow quiet and despondent. While many people, including his employees, discussed his personality change when he was out of earshot, no one talked to him about it. They didn’t feel it was their business. They didn’t want to pry. He was smart, powerful, successful, and handsome – and he shot himself to death. We still don’t know why.

Employers, parents, spouses, friends – take note.  A change in a person’s behavior reflects a change in their circumstances. Validate that person by paying attention to their life. Stop worrying about being thought of as nosy, and get involved. Metaphorically speaking, “call 911”. Or, as in my case, if you see me running, then literally call 911.

Because it’s a sign.