Bigfoot, UFOs and the Happy Life: Believing is Seeing

Have you ever wondered why the only people who actually encounter Bigfoot in the woods are people who are open to the idea that Bigfoot might really exist? Or why the only ones to see UFOs are people who believe alien life forms are possible in the first place? You’ll seldom meet a converted skeptic, and there is a reason for that. We tend to see what we expect to see. For most people, the old phrase “seeing is believing” is not as true as the reverse: believing is seeing.
 

The things we pay attention to are the things that form our view of the world around us. We literally create our own reality by choosing where to direct our focus. For example, I am not a fan of outdoor adventures, but my husband is. He and I can hike in the mountains, and he will notice the plants and the wildlife and will feel exhilarated. His experience will be a positive one. I will notice the mosquitoes and the rough terrain and become irritable. My experience will be a negative one. He sees the flower, I see the bee. We walk the same path but come away having had very different experiences. 

The implications of where we choose to direct our focus in life are monumental, because through those choices, we are shaping our lives. When we look for faults, we find them. If we believe someone is out to get us, then everything that person does seems sinister. If we are sensitive to being slighted by others, we will constantly be on guard for insults, criticisms, prejudices and discrimination, and we will find them – even when they were never intended. As the old saying goes, we become “an ouch looking for a hurt”.

We’ve all met people who see the bad in every situation and every person they encounter. Their conversations center around their health problems, their family problems, their bad work situation, and on and on. They direct their focus toward whatever is wrong and completely ignore that which is going well. They have, through their attention, created a negative reality for themselves. That’s a shame. Choosing to live a negative life is like owning a gold mine and choosing to sell the dirt rather than the gold. You have access to both the treasure and the waste, but your focus will ensure that you spend your life dirty and poor.

To live a happy and fulfilling life, we must be very particular about what we pay attention to, and what we let fall to the wayside.  When we pay attention to something, it changes the way we feel. Those feelings then lead to actions, and the actions create results; either positive or negative. So, if we can change our focus, we can change our results. I’m not suggesting living a delusional life in which we pretend bad things aren’t real. But acknowledging that something is unpleasant is not the same as focusing on it. Go ahead and acknowledge the hurt – but move on. Don’t brood. When we redirect our attention away from the hurts of life and toward those things which bring us joy and satisfaction, our reality improves and our pain lessens. 

If you want to achieve happiness and satisfaction, begin focusing your attention as precisely as you would focus a camera lens, and focus on that which is positive. Notice when people smile at you, when people are kind to you, and when you do something well. Actively seek out the company of positive people. Notice how good your coffee tastes and how nice it is to have a warm shower in the morning. Read a good news story. Extend a kindness to someone and pay attention to how that makes you feel. 

In other words, notice your good life. 

 Talk about it. Ask questions. Examine life.

Stop Being Miserable: It's a Choice

Societal norms are powerful things. They go beyond the rule of law to create an environment that is self-regulating: we do, or don’t do, certain things based upon our society’s acceptance of those behaviors. We put on clothes to go to work each day, not because the law says we must, but because we’d be embarrassed to do otherwise. But societal norms can also take a negative turn if we aren’t careful. Allowing ourselves to be defined by what the group is doing may not always make sense.

For the majority of my adult life, I spent each weekday in a business suit and pointy-toed, high-heeled shoes. It was the “uniform” of the successful American business woman. Sure, there were other types of shoes I could have worn, but successful women wear expensive, two inch heels – just ask the editors at Vogue. So like millions of other women on their way to the “top”, I jammed my foot into a ridiculously shaped pair of footwear and continued to hobble up the corporate ladder. Then a few years ago, I had an epiphany that changed my life. 

As I sat soaking my aching and misshapen feet in Epsom salts, I thought, “No self-respecting man would ever do this to his feet, so why am I?” I determined right then and there that I would NEVER AGAIN wear uncomfortable shoes. (Imagine Scarlett O’Hara shaking her fist at the heavens and vowing. “As God is my witness, I will never wear uncomfortable shoes – er – I mean, go hungry -  again”) Men, don’t laugh. This is a feminine torture that you can’t relate to. But stick with me, I do have a point that applies to you as well.

My point is this: There lies within each of us the ability to rationalize those things which are hurting us. Somewhere in our minds, the Voice of Justification says, “Yes, the high heels hurt, but all successful women wear them.” And “ Yes, this addiction could kill me, but it calms my nerves. Or, “ Yes, he hits me, but he really loves me.” And sometimes “ Yes, this job makes me miserable, but it pays the bills.” So we go on, every day, developing bunions and bruises, cancer and depression; all the while acting like we aren’t in pain. But at the bottom of each of these choices (notice I said choices) lies the truth; we would rather suffer than change, because change means making ourselves vulnerable. It means opening ourselves up to ridicule. It means risking failure. As the old saying goes, the devil we know is preferable to the one we don’t. 

For me, the Epiphany of the Shoes was really more about realigning my priorities than it was about footwear choices (although I really don’t wear uncomfortable shoes anymore) Let’s face it: life comes with plenty of discomfort built in. We don’t need to create our own. So, I gave up my uncomfortable shoes and stopped doing a few other self-destructive things as well. I may not look as fashionable as I used to in my Jimmy Choos, but I feel amazing. 

You’ll often hear me say that “an examined life is the only life worth living”. I think conscious living enhances all we do. Knowing who we are and how we want to live, and more significantly, why we want to live that way, makes us better people. Once we choose to live deliberately, rather than reactively, we have a great shot at making our life into one that we love. 

So, the question I have for you is this: What are you holding onto in your life that is the equivalent of “uncomfortable shoes”? What is holding you back, pinching you, restricting you from being who you know you can, or should, be? Ask yourself why you are hanging onto that thing or things. What are you really gaining by hanging on? Is the pain worth it? 

Talk About It. Ask Questions. Examine Life.

Growing Pains

I have a family of geese living in my backyard; a very regal looking mom and dad and five awkward-looking babies. The little ones started out incredibly cute and tiny, with feathers that looked like soft, yellow fur.  But now the adolescent geese are all gangly and noisy, with feet that are way too big for their bodies and feathers that are the color of mud. And they are messy. Really messy.

I have watched their evolution from hatchlings and have come to a conclusion about geese and people alike: there is no way to get to “regal” without passing through “awkward” on the way.   

(And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know you have a powder-blue prom tux or a Farrah-Fawcett-Hair picture hidden away somewhere that will make my point for me…)

Maturing is a messy, awkward business, and that holds true not just for the process of physically maturing, but for any growth process that we undergo. There comes a point in our transformation when we are no longer what we were, but what we hope to become is still just a glimmer on the horizon. We examine our progress and are disappointed to find that, for now, we are all feet and feathers, regrets and good intentions, big ideas and false starts. Some days we feel lucky to walk – flying is out of the question. 

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will become what we hope to be if we don’t give up. The bad news is that it’s going to hurt. In order to learn the lessons we need to learn, we are going to have to be stretched in uncomfortable ways. We have to fall down. We have to look silly. We have to be willing to endure the process of growth, with all of its associated discomfort and awkwardness. 

I have met people who elected to stay where they were because change was too painful, and they are no less a tragedy than a child who fails to thrive. And just as in physical maturation, failure to thrive (or grow) in other areas will eventually lead to decline. Whether it is in our career, our personal relationships, our educational pursuits or our emotional life, we cannot stagnate and expect to survive indefinitely. Our survival depends on maintaining forward momentum. We have to keep growing, keep seeking, and keep pushing ourselves to go just a little bit further.

I want to encourage you today to be patient with yourself as you grow, but also to never give yourself permission to quit. Don’t lose heart and excuse yourself from the fight with words like “that’s just the way I am…” It isn’t just the way you are! Stop trying to see your future in the rear view mirror. Accept the present for what it is: an awkward phase. Yes, you will screw some things up. Yes, others will notice. Blush and move on. That's part of the process. You'll survive; but only if you keep moving.

Don’t be afraid of the growing pains of life; they are only temporary. If you can get past the goofy looking feathers and big feet, “regal” is waiting for you down the road. Douglas Engelbart once said, “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.”   

That blue prom tux already shows you can put up with a lot of embarrassment, so hang on.You’re almost there.